Another super-storm is about to hit New England and as I sauntered up and down the empty produce and meat aisles inside the local supermarket at 7.30 this morning I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the items in other peoples carts. One guy with a 3 day beard growth and a severe case of bed-head Conan O’Brien would be proud of had a box of cup-cakes and a stick of pepperoni in his hands. But what amused me the most was when he reached for “Shape” magazine at the checkout counter. Another heavily bundled up lady had 3 cases of water and soap in her cart. That was it but yet she had a list in her hand for a few lousy items. And why those items? Was it for bathing purposes?
The supermarket trip set the stage for the day as I sit amidst the dog toys in the den by the warm fireplace watching the news on TV for pure the comedy of it all. On NECN, a remote reporter stood by the highway on 128 to let us know the snow had begun to fall. I guess I needed him to tell me that. Maybe he figured my windows were so dirty I couldn’t see it snowing outside myself. I was surprised NECN didn’t put the ‘EXCLUSIVE’ graphic up. The telecast then switched to MEMA headquarters where an armada of plows and a huge mound of salt was shown. Again, just in case we didn’t remember what a plow looked like due to last years snowless winter. We were warned to stay in starting at noon. It’s 10.25am right now and there is 1/100 of an inch on the ground in Lynnfield as I type.
Pete Bouchard on Ch. 7 just commented how the sky has changed since 6am this morning. Of course it has Pete, it was dark out at 6am. Pretty boy Adam the anchor reminded us to stay in and be safe and stay tuned to Ch. 7 for updates. Updates? What, are they going to break in on the regular scheduled shows to inform us it is still snowing out. Oh, and now we’re being reminded to keep our wireless devices dry. I don’t know about you, but I have always had this urge to throw my $300 iphone in a snow bank. I’d rather have a toe-nail pulled out with pliers than spend time in the Verizon store. Now we’re being told to keep our cell-phones out of the cold and to make sure they’re fully charged in case the power goes out. Again, I would have never thought of that. Thank God for Ch. 7!
Mayor Mennino has a news conference scheduled at 11am. We’re reminded we don’t want to miss that. What they don’t tell us out of sheer PC is that the translator on the screen for the hearing-impaired is really there so everyone can understand the mayor as it’s easier to read sign-language than decipher what he is saying. I’m sure there’s also going to be another warning for people not to throw shoveled snow into the street. Yesterday, he mentioned the city will plant spotters around the city and anyone violating this order will receive a fine. Good luck to the spotters on that front. Would you like to give someone a ticket while they have a shovel in their hand? Realistically, where are people in the North End supposed to place the snow? On the tiny sidewalks?
Nancy Chen from Ch. 7 is out in Worcester with a yardstick. She just measured less than an 1/8 of an inch of snow. I’m not kidding in the least. It’s 10.43, a little more than an hour before the imposed noon deadline to stay put in the house before the world comes to an end! Oh my God, she just showed us on the yardstick where the 2-foot level is. I strained to see if it was tongue-in-cheek, but no, she wasn’t kidding. Again, for the benefit of those folks out there that can’t envision what 2 feet looks like.
Back to NECN. They’re interviewing people living on the water in the South Shore. A woman whose house is literally 20 yards from the water against a tiny seawall is bragging she survived the ‘Blizzard of 78′ and all the other severe storms since and she never moved despite the damage. How would you like to have her homeowner insurance premiuim? But something tells me over the years she has received some form of federal or state aid to rebuild. Why do the rest of us have to subsidize this? So she can watch a whale from her living room once a year? Why doesn’t anyone in the media ask her the question? Because it’s all about Mother Nature today. No time to do any serious investigative reporting today. Besides, all the reporters are outside freezing in the cold.
Back to Ch. 7. Pete Bouchard is informing us we can’t define this storm as an offical blizzard unless there’s 3 straight hours of either 30 or 35 mph winds. And did you know it has to be consecutive hours? I can just imagine the people glued to the TV at midnight to see if we hit the record books on this front! I can hear the champagne corks popping already.
Ch. 5 is reminding us to turn the temperature up on the fridge in case we lose power. And if we do to only open the fridge if it’s necessary so food won’t get bad. I was waiting for them to show us a list of what “necessary” means. But alas, they gave us the benefit of the doubt on that one. Hmmm, I have an idea. There’s 2 feet of snow on the ground. That would make a great place to place persishables. Why didn’t they think of that?
It’s 11.11 am now. Nancy Chen on Ch. 7 just used the analogy the early hours of this storm is charming like the beginning of a romantic relationship. I wonder if she has had issues in the love department as she just mentioned the storm will turn angry and violent later. Perhaps, you should get a restraining order against the storm Nancy. You cannot make this stuff up! Well, it’s 11.15 now. I have to get ready to go out. By 1 pm, a full hour past the stay-put edict, I will have a Mai-Tai in my hand. This is my idea of storm-chasing! If there is one thing certain in this life beside death and taxes, it’s the comforting fact the local Chinese restaurant bar will be open. Also, it’s a cinch some stranded woman will give birth inside of her house too. I wouldn’t bet against that one. Another thing which has become absolutely clear to me is that the media, in their overboard attempt to bombard us dumb folks with the tiniest minutia of info, [ in the name of public safety ] has really proven once and for all we’re a lot smarter than they give us credit for. Remember to bend your knees while shoveling tomorrow!